I have always felt a little…separate from everyone else. I have difficulty relating to others and don’t feel comfortable in large groups, I have massive amounts of anxiety before a party. I would fall in bed at the end of the day exhausted after social gatherings, feeling like I was completely alone. Granted, I have always had people around and many even would have labeled me an extrovert! I can smile and wear a mask with the best of them!
I understand that I am not alone in this. In fact, many people that I talk to express how difficult it is to find their community of friends and support.
I have recently pondered this topic and come to the realization that I felt lonely and like no one understood me because I never gave anyone the chance. I was so busy trying to figure out what others wanted me to be and fill their expectations that I forgot to be myself. How can I expect others to like me if I didn’t like myself enough give them a chance to see who I was? I lived in a 12 year marriage without him every really knowing me (there is a lot to unravel there).
The truth is, I was damaged, broken, and rejected on many levels. My ideas and gifts were not welcome in a world where being intuitive and knowing things was seen as threatening or “different”. (God bless both of my parents, they are both aware of me now and it is a huge relief to feel their love for me even if they don’t understand it all.) In my eyes, there was someone else I was “supposed to” be, and I tried to fill that cup.
I know now that was a betrayal of myself and the opposite of self love. I was hiding and sinking deeper into confusion about what was authentically me every day. I could be anyone or anything people needed. In my 20’s I was invited to 9 work corporate parties as dates for different male friends because they knew I could chameleon myself to fit the environment! I was intuitive and smart enough to figure it out. Ironically, I was so worried about not being liked that I would “perform” for people I didn’t like at all!!! (That’s a fun one lined up for therapy.)
I have vowed to myself that I will be authentic, first because it was to exhausting and later because I genuinely like myself! Since then life has gotten easier, lighter. It has taken work, but I refuse to shrink to be someone you want in order to make you more comfortable.
The truth is that I like myself! I’m not flawless, but I can see the gifts that I bear that make me unique. I love my family and friends and know that I have a lot to share with the world. Maybe not everyone will be receptive to it, but I am not here to make everyone else happy. In fact, I noticed that wearing masks alienated people. Everyone runs around daily wearing real masks like every day is Halloween, and on Halloween we let our freaky out for real!
When you see me I want to know the real you. The deep stuff. What brings your soul joy, what song makes you dance in the kitchen, where does your comfort zone end, and even what traumas you’ve experienced. I love real people!!! I can talk for hours with someone willing to be raw and open and vulnerable.
That’s the kicker, isn’t it? Being vulnerable enough to let someone see and touch the hard stuff. The parts of you that YOU find unlovable. The truth is, we all have those tender parts we hide to feel safe. They are filled with guilt, grief, pain and shame. There are people in the world who will accept and love those parts of you!
When you find your true tribe, your community, these tender spots are safe to be shared. When you can be vulnerable and authentic with someone, the right partner will help you love and heal those, too.
The May 5/6 full moon is all about letting go of what no longer serves your highest good. All of the relationships that were heavy and not supporting you or bringing your joy have the opportunity to fall away, to be replaced by relationships with greater alignment for your soul and the life you want to create. This is a choice point about what changes you would like in your life.
It is easy to say that natural endings are a good idea and to intend to accept the changes in your life. However, you need to be aware that there is a space in between the release and the filling up of the space. Even natural endings can leave you lonely while your soul is making space for a new beginning. (Think of the analogy that you cannot pour into an empty cup.) As you cling to the past and what doesn’t serve you, you are continuing to take up space of time and energy with something that isn’t what you want in your life. There is no room for good things to come in!
The universe is asking you to be ok with the void space. Be ok not having someone else to spend extra time with. Focus on yourself and getting to know what YOU love to do! Peel back the layers of masks until you find yourself again. Doing this will raise your vibration to the next level and open you up to receive what is already meant for you!
The universe is gifting you with…..YOURSELF! Your true self, as intended. It is up to you to accept it and be willing to do the work it takes to get there.
You are worth it!!!
